guess what

everything feels like a prelude lately

right now, i’m sitting in an odd sort of in-between. i’m not the same person i was, but i haven’t become anyone new either. i’m constantly becoming, never became.

i’m seventeen. to most people, i’m nothing more than a child. under the eyes of men on the street, i’m perfect. to the man i’m in love with, i’m mature for my age. to acquaintances, i’m ageless, nameless. i shapeshift based on what gets me where i want to go.

i’ve wasted ink and binary code talking about my need to do everything for a story. no matter how much i analyze it, it doesn’t become less true. in fact, i’m turning this flaw into a part of a story itself; it’s a defining characteristic that strangers on the internet will remember about me. but these stories are being collected for a reason, i’m waiting to tell them.

i’m putting myself in danger, i’m drinking too much, i’m dressing well. none of it is to stay present, it’s so i can say ‘guess what’ once i’ve become someone.

everything feels like a prelude lately. after spending a year travelling, i’m stuck saving money at home. i’m under the eyes of my parents, caging me in and reminding me that i’m not invincible. i’m making decisions just to feel like my story is still moving. i need things to happen, even if they’re mistakes.

i feel stagnant. i’m in a limbo-state. my body is barely breathing, my brain is hoarding that as folklore.

i basically wrote about this yesterday, on the same balcony, the same oppressive heat, the same dog sitting next to me. nothing has changed besides ditching the hangover and gaining a few new subscribers. so, why do i feel the need to bore you with more of the same spirals? maybe i think it will make me more interesting. the more successful i am on here, the more it means something, right?

maybe this is what becoming feels like: boring, loud, disappointing. or maybe i just can’t come to terms with who i’ve become. regardless, i won’t stop pushing.

maybe i’ll die a brutal death because i was careless. i’d rather that than have nothing notable in my obituary.